Hotel water.

For years I've been baffled when trying to take showers at hotels. I'm using soap, shampoo, and what appears to be water, but there's something peculiar happening...nothing washes off.

You can soap up and stand under the water, but THE SOAP JUST STICKS TO YOU! You can try to wash the shampoo out of your hair for 10 minutes, but with one rub of the hands through your hair, you'll feel the slippery Suave elixir taunting you in the strands of your hair.

My wife and I bring our own soap and shampoo, which washes off just fine at home. My conclusion: hotels are using quasi-water!

That's right. You heard me La Quinta, Holiday Inn, and Best Western! You're using sub-par quasi-water! Sure, it looks like water. It feels like water. It might even taste like water, but it is not water!

This startling revelation led me to conclude that hotels must be using water that has been artificially manufactured in Hong Kong or China. There is little doubt that they must also be using young children to sweat in factories for hours a day manufacturing this "water." It's like the t-shirt that you wear that begins unraveling only months after an average bit of usage. Cotton? Perhaps, but undoubtedly it is not very well put together.

Well, this water is not properly put together! I demand a federal investigation into this "water" that hotels supply to their unwitting customers! I demand American-made water! AND I DEMAND IT NOW!!!